From Our Perspective
Life Work
By Stephanie Sugars

Though only miles apart, Spirit Rock Meditation Center and the University of California San Francisco's Mt. Zion Hospital seemed a world apart. I'd come to the center for the annual Buddhist meditation retreat; in a few days I'd be returning to Mt. Zion Hospital for surgery (1). Surrounded by 100 silent mediators, sheltered in beautiful buildings, held by soft, golden hills and a bright blue sky, I imagined the contrast with the inner city hospital, its aging buildings raucous with hospital sounds, smells, bustling activity, and myself as a patient.

In the silence I wondered about this surgery now, wondered what lessons I was already learning. A few days into the silence, I found myself counting past surgeries. Noting that this would be my twenty-first surgery I said, twenty-one is the age of emancipation. Will I be free? Meeting with my dear teachers I asked about liberation and we spoke of what that would mean in the context of my life.

My life work has taken me on a healing path (2). The meditation retreat and upcoming surgery were only two adventures on that path. The word "health" is related to the word "whole". My work is to make whole what was broken. I had my first surgery to remove a polyp when I was in different San Francisco hospital as a baby. Though the polyp was successfully removed, I was left with scars, not only the visible one running the length of my belly, but also invisible scars.

Emotionally I remember feeling fear and isolation. The pain of the blockage and surgery was compounded by a month of isolation in the hospital, unvisited by my parents, unfed but for the tube in my leg, and untouched in a straight jacket. Mentally I remember being confused by the distress of the adults and their inability and unwillingness to talk with me. The invisible spiritual scar was the deepest and longest to heal, but it set me on a lifelong path.

Now in the present, I updated my teachers on my recent surgeries, the death of my father, and my alternative cancer treatment. They asked about my preparations for this surgery. I told them of my gratitude for the outpouring of love and support from friends, family, and strangers; of my studies to determine just what surgery to accept; of my concern that the tumor might be cancer; and of my wish to be of service in the world. My unanswered question was whether I would lose equanimity in the hospital, especially because of the pain and medications.

My teachers reminded me to not be pulled inside by my inner stories and experience, nor to be pulled outside by the stories and drama of the hospital. By staying present to the moment, there is freedom even in suffering. It is easy to be present to the moment at a meditation retreat when all is beautiful, but I wondered if I'd be able to maintain it in the hospital.

Yes. I went under the anesthesia with a prayer on my lips and came out the same way. During my whole experience there I felt part of the interdependent web of life. What was broken as a baby was made whole 42 years later. The isolation was healed by connection (3); the fear, by love and courage; the confusion of the doctors and authorities, by my clarity.

And the spiritual scar? To paraphrase Rachel Remen (4), the scar is the place where the light shines in. Genetically every cell in my body is broken by an inactivated tumor suppressor gene. Spiritually, every cell is whole by the presence of the divine. There is a purpose to this work of life that is beyond my knowing. I am graced with faith, graced to know my life work is healing.

May all beings know love. May all beings be free from danger. May all beings be at peace. May all beings be healed.

(1) I have Peutz-Jeghers syndrome, which has manifested itself as multiple polyps throughout my digestive tract; bilateral breast cancer with multiple recurrences; uterine polyps; cervical carcinoma-in-situ; a (noncancerous) ovarian tumor; and spots on my lips, hands, and elbow.
(2) I've found great help in the work of Stephen and Ondrea Levine, especially their meditations on pain, taking your medicine, and heavy emotional states. You can find these meditations in Healing Into Life and Death published by Doubleday in 1987.
(4) Kitchen Table Wisdom by Rachel Naomi Remen, published by Berkley Publishing Group in1997.

Editor's Note: Stephanie has started an email listserve for individuals affected with Peutz-Jeghers syndrome and their family members. For more information about this network, please contact Stephanie at Pj4steph@aol.com, or the Association of Cancer Online Resources at http://www.acor.org.